The time I tried to bed the most beautiful woman in the world…

People Magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World” for 2013. We have a history, this Gwyneth and I. There was a time when we got very close to making a baby and naming it “Banana.” Enjoy the video of our foreplay.

A Keith Family Easter

I present this Keith Family Klassic.

The Infamous OJ Simpson Call-in Show

In 2007, for some reason unknown to God Himself, OJ Simpson agreed to appear on an internet talk show hosted by my former co-worker Kate Delaney. And they took calls. On a live show. What could go wrong? Fortunately plenty, because the calls were apparently screened by deaf chimpanzees. America could not pass up this golden opportunity for LULZ. Thank goodness.

It amazes me that the long version of this show is no longer widely available. If anyone has the whole program please email me.

Rhett Miller and Gordon Keith perform “Time After Time.”

Let me tell you about this Rhett Miller. He’s so kind to me that I want to wrap him in bacon and eat him alongside goopy cheese grits. Disregard last sentence. We collaborate once a year and he’s always full of compliments and energy. We performed this song at the Granada on Saturday night. Watch it hard. Enjoy it immensely.

Thanks to all who attended the 6th Annual Cystic Fibrosis Concert Series.

And you thought I asked awkward questions

Watch this bit of awkwardness. Pat Robertson pins a hot younger woman down about pornography. (I hope part of that sentence becomes nutritious Google meat.) Pat also introduces the term “Pornogracy” to the world. Then he calls 50 Shade of Gray the “fastest selling paper book of all time.” I guess Pat is all about e-publishing. Anyway, watch the interview and squirm in your seat, ladies.

Here Is The Video of Singing Head-Injury Dirk

Don’t Mess With This Old Man

My ticket to manhood

The barefoot country boy in me loves stuff like this. When I was 10, I begged my parents for a “wrist rocket,” a fancy forked slingshot with a wrist bracket that was all the rage among boys on the edge of liking girls. On Saturdays, the banks of the bayou across from my house would be lined by skinny boys wearing wide grins and giving hell to any turtle that dared to breathe.

When one would pop up, a fusillade of rocks and steel would rain down on him creating columns of water and drawled narration.

“Dayum, d’you see that? I almost hit that son-of-a-bitch!” (Christian southern boys try on cussing like their older sisters try on shorter dresses. It’s highly provisional.)

We weren’t very accurate. The turtles reacted to nearby shots but didn’t suffer from them. Despite our efforts, the turtle mortality rate of the mid-eighties remained stubbornly static. At night in bed, I would go over the shots in my head, replaying them in a montage. It helped me to sleep. And still does. My African safari wears my brain down to a sleepy nub these days. Back then, in the montage, I was wildly inconsistent 10 yr old, but in my dreams I could shoot like this old man.

I think I’ve run out of cringes

A classic corporate embarrassment. Re-enjoy the hell out of it. “Do you like the Cowboys?…”

Back When Rob Pattinson And I Were Still Young…

Watch this Emmy-winning classic. After a botched intro, a pre-heartbroken Rob Pattinson sits uncomfortably close to me and tells me his deepest darkest secrets. I could see the pain in Rob’s eyes even then.

My Disastrous Interview With Dax Shepard And Kristen Bell

I encourage everyone to see “Hit and Run” in theaters now, then follow it up with a Netflixing of “Brother’s Justice.” Then stare at pictures of Kristen Bell. She’s pretty to my face eyes. And funny.

A Young Gordon Keith?

Watch this kid be very anti-Chikk-Fil-A. My friend George still dances like this.

When Shooting a Gun Is Good

Click for excitement

A version of this post appeared last year and it kicked ass.

You take a sip of beer and set your glass down in the clear puddle on the table as the waitress stacks our plates. “Gordon, what can I do to destroy circular inanimate objects and help children at the same time?”

I watch your glass hydroplane across the table and prepare to give you the greatest news of your life. “My friend, you can come shoot sporting clays with me this Friday.”

You begin to cry as you win the lottery and busty women gather to sing your praises. Santa winks at you. The end.

Wanna shoot guns with me? You’re in luck, because my Big Charity Clay Shoot benefiting Big Brothers Big Sisters is this Friday, August 17th. Shooting clays is one of life’s great pleasures and can be damn addicting. The Musers will be broadcasting live, providing handcrafted radio candy. We’ll also provide lunch, prizes, and shotgun shells. All you have to do is bring yourself, your shotgun, and maybe a friend or two. Some people bring their wives and children. Perfect. If you don’t have a shotgun you can rent one from our host, Elm Fork.

Register at bigclayshoot.com. The price is reasonable and supports a cause close to my heart, mentoring disadvantaged kids and introducing them to the outdoors. This is a beautiful world and it’s a shame that some kids have never held a fishing pole or seen a duck fly low over a smoky lake.

This is my 7th year hosting this incredible event. We’ve raised $500,000 for Big Brothers Big Sisters Outdoor Mentoring programs and you can help us raise more.

Click here for more info.

Watch this fine video of Musers blowing stuff away.

VIDEO: Ryan Lochte Talks Smart

Science: Beavers That Sing A Catchy Tune Increase Insanity Levels

Song I’ve Been Earworming This Week

Conversations with My Friend Ward Are a Roller Coaster

Cute Kid With A Future At The Ticket

Hottest New Female Athlete?

Let’s Revisit Marcia Cross’s Worst Interview Of All Time

It has entered television lore. Awkward chemistry. Pregnant pauses. Empty-headed responses. And that is before Marcia opens her mouth. This is all about BRENDA TEELE, a woman responsible for many of DFW’s greatest television moments. In this disaster, Poor Marcia is on WFAA to talk about Cancer Killing Everyone She Loves and Brenda Teele remains laser-sighted on empty talk and Hollywood chit chat. Enjoy this touching look back at two people who should never talk to each other again. Unless there’s a camera rolling.

My Confrontation with Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis

Our old buddies Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis were in DFW this week promoting their new film, The Candidate. What do both of these humans have in common? Besides wealth and movies and orgasms. They both were disastrously interviewed by me. Without a doubt the most popular of all my interviews was the Zach Galifianakis interview. It got posted on Reddit and the views skyrocketed. Sadly, Reddit ignored my Will Ferrell interview and it was only seen by Dax Shepherd and close family. Since I was unable to interview them this time, I thought we’d have a little fun anyway.

Let’s look back at these two interviews and enjoy how bad/great television can truly be. First, let’s watch Zach laugh in my face because he thinks I’m an idiot.

Longer and more gentle, here is the Will Ferrell exchange. See if you can spot the movie poster.