Happy Birthday, Ben Stiller.

This was the worst moment of your life.

Best of Black Friday stampedes. Amazing.

The fittest, brightest, most hard-working people in the world.

Funny Troy/Joe Buck promo

This made me giggle, mainly because I know the irony.

Lee Harvey’s coffin wants YOU!

Communist in repose

Wanna buy the pine coffin of Lee Harvey Oswald? How about his embalming table? Or the beautiful instruments that were lovingly used on his corpse? Well, you can own any and all of these because they are being auctioned with proceeds going to the people who receive proceeds.

You can also own part of the leather seat on which Kennedy was sitting when he was martyred. This might be the creepiest part of the description- “…The spots on the leather are the dried blood of our beloved President John F. Kennedy…”

Personally, I would like to own Lee Harvey’s easter card, make copies, and just send it out as a generic Easter card every spring.

Good Day Dallas working blue

Some pre-Thanksgiving help

Some questions just need to be answered.

I’ve heard from several of P1′s recently, expressing a certain amount of confusion about something very important. Too many times we wander around in our broadcast day wondering “what’s America?” Maybe this will help.

You’ll be singing it all day.

Eva Longoria once told me she would torment Tony Parker

A long time ago in a media market very similar to this one, Eva Longoria forcefully told me that she would haunt and torment Tony Parker if he ever became involved with another woman. She also hit me and laughed like a woodchuck. Enjoy this old clip from the Emmy award winning/cancelled Gordon Keith Show, and don’t be too disturbed by the live studio audience.

Garrett-Top Monday

Garrett remains undefeated, even by prop humor.

When I die, please bury me in a gay coffin.

Something about this seems dirty. And it also forces my brain into the welcoming arms of insanity.

Have you ever heard of a half-headed man arrested for prostitution? Now you have.

Idiocracy in Japan. Fans paying money to see a hologram perform her songs.

My column in this morning’s Dallas Morning News

For several years, the Dallas Morning News has asked me to write a column nominating someone for Texan of the Year.  I usually just cut and paste some stuff from Mark Davis’ column, but this year I took it a little more seriously.  I want you to read it and tell me if you agree with my pick.

For me, nominating a Dallas Morning News Texan of the Year is a lot like picking my favorite child. Surprisingly easy. (The one that’s not in jail and doesn’t borrow money.) But this year I’m running into difficulty. There are many notable Texans doing notable things in notable ways, but none of them has grabbed me by the lapel and screamed “honor me with your non-binding nomination,” while slapping me in the face with a salmon. But…. CLICK TO READ THE REST

The Ticket is closing up shop

So long old Ticket studios, hello fun

Perhaps you have already heard the news that the Ticket is moving to Victory Park in June in order to be closer to my third job. (Pray for me.)

This is exciting news for the Musers Courage Boys. You know how supercharged life gets when you’re house shopping? The whole world feels full of possibilities and rebirth. “Should we get the place with the vaulted living room, or the one with the cool media room? Look at all the restaurants around here! We are going to use this pool EVERYDAY.” That’s how this feels. A nice new studio, directly across from Channel 8, so we can screw with the John and Gloria. Nothing like a house fire story with Craig Miller dancing around in the background in a turkey costume.

This is good for the Ticket. And this is great for the P1.

But what will it mean for Channel 8? Will a bikini-clad Shelly Slater become the Musers new favorite in-studio guest? Will Pete Delkus get mad that we keep putting superglue under his toupee? Will John McCaa’s mustache start sitting in on Muse in the News? Stay tuned.

I’ve turned the comments on. I wanna hear from you, America.

Sex makes the world go round

Are we all just animals?

I am beginning to think the whole world revolves around mating.

Boys wooing girls. Girls rejecting them. Girls talking to other girls about how some penis done them wrong. Men watching people mate online. Women denying same. And of course, everyone drinking in order to drown that area of the brain that says “stay away from open sores,” just to participate in that sloppy, regret-filled act of playing with the underwear areas.

Face it and embrace it. We’re all just randy animals with a veneer of composure. How many times have we seen Margaret from sales, normally prim and concerned with desk potpourri, get a few cosmos in her and begin stripping to reveal her C-section scar as soon as “You Can Leave Your Hat On” cranks at the company Christmas party?

It amazes me that as far as civilization has advanced beyond cavemen days, we are still just trying to lift each other’s loincloths to see the business end of another human.

But not everyone is attractive. Take me, for example.

Another episode of women behaving badly

A very strange story. The woman you see on the right of this beautiful website apparently loves to honk the breasts of other women. So much so that she fooled girls in bars to undergo fake breast exams.

How a woman could fall for that, I don’t know. But it’s kinda hot, despite the tranny stuff. As great as women honking other women’s milkers is, what may be greater is the made up name she used.

Enjoy.

Teacher has hospital sex with student, allegedly…

Horny teacher

Another naughty teacher. This time in Ft. Worth. Here are a few points of interest.

Jennifer Lee Riojas, who turns 26 on Saturday, taught ninth-grade science…

She faces a charge of sexual assault of a child under 17.

Riojas visited [the student] while he was hospitalized for a sports injury in December, and they had sex for the first time in his hospital bed, the detective reported.

Later, the teen said, they had sex in rooms Riojas rented at hotels near North East Mall.

Read the story from the Star Telegram.

UPDATE: She’s pregnant all up in there.

Wanna see some additional facebook pics? Well…

The Asians animate our lives once again

Why was this woman arrested?

Hot or not? Click for story.

What is the funniest thing about this pic?

Caption needed. Comments are on.

This chick is amazing

Click for greatness

DMN: With Wade Phillips gone, radio hosts have to find new fake voice of Dallas Cowboys

Click for story and video

There was a nice big article about us on the front page of the Dallas Morning News Metro section on Saturday. For those that missed it, here it is.

When Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips got canned this week, he took with him an arguably more entertaining – and certainly more beloved – local sports personality: the fat, clueless boob known to radio listeners as “Fake Wade.”

A wildly popular character on Dallas’ top-rated morning sports-talk program, The Dunham and Miller Show, Fake Wade has endured weekly ridicule from his acerbic, nearly unintelligible co-star, “Fake Jerry Jones,” for 3½ football seasons.

Now Fake Wade is signing off, only to be dusted off on special occasions. And unlike the departure of the real Wade Phillips, the demise of Fake Wade comes with a twist of sadness. (more)

Jerry’s dream last night

At least Wade showed up to watch