Posted in October 2010

The shot heard ’round the Walmart

Family Pride

The Rangers have started eighteen guys at first base in the three and a half seasons since trading away Mark Teixeira, a couple of them were supposed to be long-term solutions. Mitch Moreland wasn’t one of them.

When Mitch was first called up to the bigs on July 29, 2010, I heard the name Amory, Mississippi and took note. Amory is a town of about 7,000 in northeast Mississippi, but when my mother was born there, it was a town of about 1000.

I was excited to tell my mom about a new major leaguer from her birthplace.

“What’s his name?” she asked.

“Mitch Moreland,” I said not even thinking of my great-grandmother’s last name.

“Oh, well then you’re related to him. All those Morelands up around Amory are kin to us.” My mom is southern to the core. “Grandma Ozema was a Moreland. Sweet lady, but a strict God-fearing woman. She didn’t tolerate any drinking, cussing, or playing face cards. Neither did her parents.”

Playing face cards?

I made some calls to Amory and talked to our Moreland relatives. Sure enough, Mitch and I share the same Moreland great-great-grandparents. Our great-grandparents were siblings. Our grandparents were first cousins. Therefore, Mitch and I are third cousins. And we’re both left handed and handsome.

We featured Mitch on the Muser Morning show just this past Friday, which was probably the first time most DFW sportsfans heard his gentle drawl and aw-shucks southern charm. There was a Sports Illustrated reporter nearby as I was interviewing Mitch. We were the only ones talking to him. I’m sure the clubhouse was different for Mitch on Saturday night.

We’ll interview Mitch again soon, and I sure hope he stays as the Ranger first baseman for a long time. He seems like a sweet guy and I like to see sweet people succeed. I am still amazed that a rookie from Amory, Mississippi, whose great-great grandparents didn’t allow the playing of face cards, has become the first Ranger to hit a homerun in a World Series. When asked about Amory, Mitch said, “We’ve got a Wal-Mart, and I used to hang out in the Wendy’s parking lot. There’s not a whole lot going on there, but I love it.”

Score one for the Rangers and score one for all small town boys who still say “Yes, ma’am.” I hope all the P1′s jump on Cuzz’s bandwagon. He deserves it.

Quick info on Mitch “Cuzz” Moreland:

Rangers selected Cuzz as the 530th pick in the 17th round of the 2007 draft, and thought of making him a relief pitcher. He can throw 90-92 mph and also has a good slider and curve.

He went to Mississippi State, just like fellow Ranger first basemen Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro.

Mitch has started all three World series games. The last rookie first baseman to start the first three games of a World Series? Jackie Robinson in 1947.

Yes, ladies. He has a girlfriend. I, however, do not.

Rangers versus Giants

To follow the latest action from our trip to San Francisco to cover the Rangers, follow my twitter feed. Also, check out Craig “Jr.” Miller’s twitter feed.

This Halloween, let your kid do what he does.


A Josh Hamilton-commissioned painting

Another Emma discusses smells

In honor and celebration of the fact she just hosted Saturday Night Live, and that I just made the last payment on my Civic, I present to you something I like to call “Asking Emma Stone questions that I did.” Enjoy. (slight violent nudity)

This thing you humans call internet

Here is a cool chair.

Here is a little warning for kids just toying with their internets. Things can swirl around the cyber web space like a virus, hence the common internet term “spiral.” Well, our little vid has gone spiral.

LINK ROUNDUP

Here are just about all the links that people have sent me. There are some funny comments on them. Click them all and read how different web places are treating the worst interview of my tragic career.
NEW LINKS:
Zach rematch on Crushable.
Posted on Woot.
Racially profiled on Punchline Magazine.
Rubbed with butter on Death and Taxes.
Publicly-auctioned on Zap2it.
Convicted on Tubefilter News.
Ebaumsworld
Joblo
Seattle’s Only Newspaper
Pajiba
CLASSICS:
Debated on Reddit.
Examined on MetaFilter.
Contemplated on on Gawker.
Considered on Huffington Post.
AV CLubbed on The Onion.
Analyzed on MTV.
Heralded on Entertainment Weekly.
Ignored in this Horrible Story.
Lauded on Buzzfeed.
Caressed on Slashfilm.
Dry humped on the Daily What.
Posted on The Frisky.
Mislabeled on Celebuzz.
Organ harvested on Manolith
Vigorously ignored on New York Magazine
Donkey punched on Videogum.
LULZ’ed on icanhascheezburger.  
Tearjerked on analysis on Film Drunk.
Sabbaticalled on Stuff Christians Like.
Insulted on Some eCards.
Appeared under a large butt on Sports Illustrated (very bottom).
Frottaged on OK Magazine.
Jumped the pond on Hey U Guys
And sadly D Mag’s Frontburner, where my friend Tim gets a kick outta flame-baiting my haters.

BONUS VIDEO: Watch Idiocracy greatness refer to “lactating baby Jesus.”

Zach Galifianakis is a genius

This man is a southern genius.

For some reason, my Zach Galifianakis interview is getting passed around webby-internet “new” media after my drunken posting of it yesterday. This morning, it appeared on the front page of The Daily Beast, a web site specializing in web-content.

“Galifianakis Gets Galifianakis’d
Usually, Zach Galifianakis is the off-kilter interviewer making guests uncomfortable, but on a recent press junket, Gordon Keith decided to turn the tables on the actor, with hilarious results.”

Now it’s being debated on Reddit. And MetaFilterUPDATE: It’s now on Gawker. And Huffington Post. And Entertainment Weekly. And Buzzfeed. And Slashfilm. And the Daily What. And The Frisky. And Celebuzz. And Manolith. And New York Magazine’s blog. And Videogum. And icanhascheezburger.  And I really like the analysis on Film Drunk. And Stuff Christians Like. And Some eCards. And Sports Illustrated (very bottom). And OK Magazine.  And sadly D Mag’s Frontburner, where my friend Tim gets a kick outta flame-baiting my haters.  It has even jumped the pond.

To answer a few important sexual questions. Zach Galifianakis is brilliant, and a damn fine actor. No, he was not “in” on it. There was no “in.” I suck as an interviewer, hence I throw them comedic softballs that they can hit outta the park. I thought Zach did just that. “Don’t forget to smell Emma” is my new ringtone.

Outside of my birth, sitting down with Zach was the highlight of my life. The second greatest highlight was talking with the man you see below. Another American hero. From Canada.

In conclusion, nothing.

Pre-game Wednesday

Click to see what Holland has stitched on his glove

Lying Punks: The douchers deny

Mistake sports column #1: Whoops

Mistake Sports Column #2: Whoops again

Question: Where was George Dunham in the Fall of 2003?

Just one more win, please.

ANTLERS!

Do you like this Yankee fan?: Douche of the decade

How about this fan?: So much gold

Rock me!: Somewhere in hell, Skip Bayless is crying

Jody Dean tries a little Fake Nolan: Stolen

Nice article on the Old Rangers: Also read Seasons in Hell

Bird Dog controversy: Is George Dunham a thief?

George debuts his line of Sam Smadi-wear: Complete with bulge and cape

Most ineffective anger management class ever: Irony

Rangers Win!!!

A P1 interviews his wife right after Ranger victory.  She is a sports expert.

So sorry

I will post an update soon. Sorry. Go rangers!

Hitler on a rainbow sled

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