A Father’s Day Classic

This morning we had one of my favorite Musers show ever- The Musers Salute to Fathers. I want to repost this about the importance of fathers.

This morning we talked about the importance of being “dad.” I shared the following stats on the air and several people requested I post the info so that they too could share it. So here you go, men. Happy Father’s Day. You’re very important to someone.

63% of teen suicides come from fatherless homes. That’s 5 times the national average.
SOURCE: U.S. Dept of Health

90% of all runaways and homeless children are from fatherless homes. That’s 32 times the national average.

80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes. 14 times the national average.
SOURCE: Justice and Behavior

85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes. 20 times the national average.
SOURCE: Center for Disease Control

71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. 9 times the national average.
SOURCE: National Principals Association Report

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. 10 times the national average.
SOURCE: Rainbow’s for all God’s Children

85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. 20 times the national average.
SOURCE: U.S. Dept. of Justice

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

Researchers of Columbia University found that children living in two-parent households with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink or use drugs compared to all teens in two-parent households. Moreover, teens in single-mother households fared much worse. They had a 30% higher risk than those in all two-parent households.

“Without two parents, working together as a team, the child has more difficulty learning the combination of empathy, reciprocity, fairness and self-command that people ordinarily take for granted. If the child does not learn this at home, society will have to manage his behavior in some other way. He may have to be rehabilitated, incarcerated, or otherwise restrained. In this case, prisons will substitute for parents.”
SOURCE: Morse, Jennifer Roback. “Parents or Prisons.” Policy Review, 2003

Children with Fathers who are involved are 40% less likely to repeat a grade in school.
SOURCE: National Household Education Survey

Children with Fathers who are involved are 70% less likely to drop out of school.

Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to get A’s in school.

Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to enjoy school and engage in extracurricular activities.

Even in high crime neighborhoods, 90% of children from stable 2 parent homes where the Father is involved do not become delinquents.
SOURCE: Development and Psychopathology 1993

Adolescent girls raised in a 2 parent home with involved Fathers are significantly less likely to be sexually active than girls raised without involved Fathers.

The time I tried to bed the most beautiful woman in the world…

People Magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World” for 2013. We have a history, this Gwyneth and I. There was a time when we got very close to making a baby and naming it “Banana.” Enjoy the video of our foreplay.

Musers Tour Day Three

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Day Two: Musers Tour of Texas

Itinerary: Junction, Marfa, Alpine

Updated with new pics.

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Day one pics here.

One P1 Thinks I’m A Naive Idiot

Ok, I’ve been taken to the woodshed by a False Flaggist.

Even someone as naive as you Gordon knows what a false flag event is . You were acting on Tues morning when you asked George about that “crazy guy” he listens to. Well Gordon…you know that’s Alex Jones…and hes got a much bigger audience than you. You also need to come to the realization that what happened in Boston is a gov run false flag event..just like Oklahoma City, 911, and many others.

If not then why were the police saying as the bombs were going off that this was a drill?? Why were there spotters on the buildings near the explosion? What were they doing there? Why were there bomb sniffing dogs at the start and finish line…yet they just couldn’t do their job. They really tried hard yet the event always happens. But its ok…Gordon The Warren Commission said Oswald acted alone! hahahahahahaha

lol lol lol right….sure!

john s. [surname reluctantly redacted]

Wow. Just wow.

One P1 Hates

Tragedies breed difficult balancing acts for a station like the Ticket. We have a big adventure going on with the Musers Tour of Texas and we want to bring you that fun, but we also must talk about the bombing in Boston. It’s fresh and raw national news. You can’t ignore it. You also can’t please everyone.

Please stop talking about the Boston Marathon bombing. I realize that it was a dramatic and devastating event, but you guys need to let it go.

It is understandable to talk about it the first day, but there is only so much you can say about it. You are to the point where you are just repeating yourselves. I understand that you have listeners at different times and days, but if any of your listeners have not heard about it from your station or the news or any of the social media outlets, then they are not really a listener.

Just please move on with your day and do your regular show and make me laugh as usual.

Excluding your already long promotion times, about 60% of your airtime is spent talking about this bombing nonsense. There is nothing you can do about it. Just put it in your memory bank and move on.

Before you judge me, I feel for everyone that had a loss or incident that was related to the bombing. It is no doubt a sad event. But do not over do it like radio stations over-play songs. Mention it a couple times and show your respects, but no more.

It is understood that everyone feels sympathy for what happened. Nobody is going to hate you because you are not talking about it.

Just please stop this. It does not get you more listeners, so stop wasting your time or else, I am moving on. I am a faithful P1, but when you guys start to waste my time with these ridiculous stories, I will gladly just go back to listening to music instead.

I doubt, I am the only one that feels this way.

-P1 Doyle

Exclusive Pics: Musers Tour of Texas Day One

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A Keith Family Easter

I present this Keith Family Klassic.

The Infamous OJ Simpson Call-in Show

In 2007, for some reason unknown to God Himself, OJ Simpson agreed to appear on an internet talk show hosted by my former co-worker Kate Delaney. And they took calls. On a live show. What could go wrong? Fortunately plenty, because the calls were apparently screened by deaf chimpanzees. America could not pass up this golden opportunity for LULZ. Thank goodness.

It amazes me that the long version of this show is no longer widely available. If anyone has the whole program please email me.

Fake Girlfriend = Photoshop Bonanza

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White Elephant Drawing Results

Happy Holidays, P1′s

Dear America,

The Ticket will shake up our lineup for your entertainment and our discomfort on Wednesday December 5, 2012. Here are the results of this morning’s drawing and swap meet.

Mornings 5:30-10am
Hosts: Norm Hitzges, Donavan Lewis
Yukmonkey: George Duncan*
Tickers: Dan McDowell

Midmorning 10-noon
Host: Gordon “Radio Golden Boy” Keith
Tickers: Mike Rhyner

Middays Noon to 3pm
Hosts: Corby Davidson, Sean Bass
Tickers: Mike Rhyner

Afternoon drive 3-7pm
Hosts: Bob Sturm, Ty Walker
Yukmonkey: Rich Phillips
Tickets: Craig “Junior” Miller

*intentional to annoy my friend Joyce Durham

In A World Without Hostess

The filling is baby spiders

A Girl Assaulting Me And Other Granada Theater Photos

Bill Ellison, the official Granada photographer, sent me six nice pics from the CF Concert Series. (Thank you, Bill.) You can see more of Bill’s fine work here.

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Rhett Miller and Gordon Keith perform “Time After Time.”

Let me tell you about this Rhett Miller. He’s so kind to me that I want to wrap him in bacon and eat him alongside goopy cheese grits. Disregard last sentence. We collaborate once a year and he’s always full of compliments and energy. We performed this song at the Granada on Saturday night. Watch it hard. Enjoy it immensely.

Thanks to all who attended the 6th Annual Cystic Fibrosis Concert Series.

The Disturbing Pic of Matthew McConaughey

This pic chums for nightmares. What the hell is going on here? How did Matthew’s neck go full-blown Toys-R-Us mascot? “According to reports,” Matthew has lost weight for a role as a man suffering from AIDS.

And you thought I asked awkward questions

Watch this bit of awkwardness. Pat Robertson pins a hot younger woman down about pornography. (I hope part of that sentence becomes nutritious Google meat.) Pat also introduces the term “Pornogracy” to the world. Then he calls 50 Shade of Gray the “fastest selling paper book of all time.” I guess Pat is all about e-publishing. Anyway, watch the interview and squirm in your seat, ladies.

Here Is The Video of Singing Head-Injury Dirk

Don’t Mess With This Old Man

My ticket to manhood

The barefoot country boy in me loves stuff like this. When I was 10, I begged my parents for a “wrist rocket,” a fancy forked slingshot with a wrist bracket that was all the rage among boys on the edge of liking girls. On Saturdays, the banks of the bayou across from my house would be lined by skinny boys wearing wide grins and giving hell to any turtle that dared to breathe.

When one would pop up, a fusillade of rocks and steel would rain down on him creating columns of water and drawled narration.

“Dayum, d’you see that? I almost hit that son-of-a-bitch!” (Christian southern boys try on cussing like their older sisters try on shorter dresses. It’s highly provisional.)

We weren’t very accurate. The turtles reacted to nearby shots but didn’t suffer from them. Despite our efforts, the turtle mortality rate of the mid-eighties remained stubbornly static. At night in bed, I would go over the shots in my head, replaying them in a montage. It helped me to sleep. And still does. My African safari wears my brain down to a sleepy nub these days. Back then, in the montage, I was wildly inconsistent 10 yr old, but in my dreams I could shoot like this old man.

Worst Football Uniform of The Week

COLUMN: My Best Halloween

Originally published in Quick on October 25, 2007

When I was a boy, my elementary school had a Halloween Carnival. Not a “Fall Carnival” as certain anti-God liberals have tried to rebrand it, but a good old-fashioned Christian Halloween Carnival with blood and witches and everything.

My second-grade year, I went to the carnival as Casper the Friendly Ghost. I didn’t want to, but compromise is what you learned in families of lesser means.

Back then, you chose your costume from a small section of the “seasonal” aisle in the grocery store and the costumes got cheaper the closer you got to Halloween. I wanted to be Batman, with a fully tricked-out utility belt and a hidden past, but by the time I convinced my mother to take me to Skaggs, there were only three sad costumes with plastic masks swinging from the rack: Wonder Woman, Raggedy Ann, and Casper. Although I felt a certain “freedom” when trying on the Wonder Woman outfit, the rubber band on her mask had pulled free, eliminating it as a functioning unit. Since Raggedy Ann had always scared the hell outta me, I went with Casper.

With my small frame inside the non-breathable one piece in front of the mirror, I complained.

“This makes me look like a baby,” I said.

“You look adorable.” My mom fastened the hospital gown ties in the back. “Look at yourself,” she said. “And if any kid says anything about it, that is their problem.” The unconvincing words of a loving mother.

I sat on the backseat armrest of that big Buick Electra steaming up the inside of my mask, anxious to see the carnival, my friends, and to win things like plastic spider rings and mini-packs of “Bottlecaps.” Once there, I ran into the transformed school surprised to see that teachers existed without the sun, and took in one of the best nights of my short life.

I can still see curled masking tape on the floor for the cake walk (which I won) and the posterboard goblins and black cats taped to the chalk board. I remember my mom talking with the other moms, telling hushed stories with big punch lines as we kids ran around in flammable costumes past the tipsy fathers taking turns with a sledgehammer on an old jalopy for one dollar a hit.

So every year when the air goes crisp, and the elementary schools begin populating their marquees with Carnival dates, I get the hankering to go online and see if I can buy an adult-sized Casper outfit, if only to creep out my mom as I appear at her front door.